Monday, 11 July 2016

Monday, 27 June 2016

That #LabourCoup Resignation Letter Template in Full

Dear Jeremy

You are an honourable man whom I have always considered a friend and from whose jacksie the sun constantly shines. Ordinarily, I'd want to have your babies, etc, etc.

However, despite the biggest indication in human history that the electorate has stopped listening to the cosy little coterie of commentators in the mainstream media, I have come to the conclusion that you do not play well with the cosy little coterie of commentators in the mainstream media. The last straw for me is that you have plainly had the temerity to upset tax-avoiding shits like Murdoch and Rothermere. They are, after all, the final arbiters of leadership qualities. I am therefore forced to conclude that you are a crap leader.

The Tories have created the greatest self-inflicted economic, constitutional, diplomatic and social clusterfuck in the country's history. They have effectively bought the axe, handed it to us, bared their own necks and placed their heads on the block.  

However, in the greatest Labour tradition, I feel it only right to take the axe from them and use it to decapitate ourselves.  That is the only Labour tradition I subscribe to and I cannot stand by without ensuring that the press doesn't focus on Cameron's cowardice and Boris's bungling, but on Labour backstabbing.

You really didn't do enough to avoid this catastrophe. Yes, I appreciate that while I sat plotting, 64% of my constituents voted Leave, while you campaigned such that 75% of yours voted Remain, but I cannot be a true self-serving, RedTory Blairite without a healthy dose of rank hypocrisy. I also appreciate that the English & Welsh working class decided to give the political class a kick in the nads precisely because they couldn't distinguish Red Tories and Blue Tories.

[Insert your own boilerplate blurb about electability here, despite the fact that all the public will ever remember about #LabourCoup is that in a time of crisis, we are more interested in navel gazing and fratricide than in doing our duty to the country.]

It has been an honour to serve etc. etc.

Yours sincerely,

Who He? / She?
Of whom the public has never heard and who will have been forgotten by tea time.