Friday, 19 July 2013

No, Mr Bond. I expect you to die.

The Mistress of the Singing Universe, SuBo has had her hand declared for Unionism. The unlikely Bond villain, who first came to world prominence in a gold dress given to her by her uncle Auric Goldfinger, gave an interview to The Sun while she stroked her white pussy.

Economists have been scratching their heads since her intervention, trying to work out what dastardly scheme her uncle has up his sleeve, since the economically challenged chanteuse said:

"Many people are struggling to make ends meet — how will they cope if prices escalate because of this change?”

Runaway inflation is a new independence threat, not even uttered by the evil Project Fear up to now. Her uncle famously once before tried but failed to cause runaway inflation in the price of gold with the aid of a stolen nuclear weapon. Why he should pick on Scotland this time is as yet unknown.

Economists and linguists worldwide are still trying to work out what this threat even means:
“Economically, the costs of change will be vast and money that should be directed into important areas like hospitals, schools and the vulnerable in society will be swallowed by bureaucracy." 
"M" has placed the British Army on the highest alert state after she threatened:
“Then there’s the question of the military — what will become of the regiments?"


Geologists initially dismissed her backhanded threat: "I strongly believe Scotland should remain part of Britain." The best scientific minds were all certain that Mainland Scotland would remain the Northern third of the Island of Britain for at least 300 million years. However she soon wiped the smile off their faces. On hearing that the First Minister's favourite malt was the Isle of Jura, she decided to demonstrate her power by wiping it from the face of the earth.


First Minister Alec Salmond is considering resigning after this terrifying intervention and it is understood that Sir Sean Connery has gone into hiding. Reluctant Cybernats all over the internet are calling for the independence referendum to be cancelled after the intervention of the powerful intellectual giant.  Reverend Stuart Campbell of Wings over Scotland called for calm, fearing some abusive Cybernat may rile her into destroying Skye. Duggy Dug has been silenced as he fears for Islay.